Bruce the Alpaca
- Linnae Klutchko
- Nov 1, 2024
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 1
November Character Interview
Patricia Parrington ~ November 1, 2024
Hello my lovely readers and fellow book-lovers! For those of you who are new here, I, your alpaca-loving host, Patricia Parrington, have the pleasure of interviewing characters from books all over the world.
Today we have here with us Bruce the Alpaca from the book Super Problems by Jason R. Lady. Jason is a fantasy and science fiction writer for young readers. He’s the author of three books in the Magic Pen Adventure series: Monster Problems, Super Problems, and Time Problems. He has a new book on the way, due to be released in February 2025!
Meet Bruce
[Patricia and her guest enter the studio and settle onto a pair of orange suede couches. A golden quill hovers next to Patricia’s head, nearly bumping into her ear. She pushes it aside.]
Welcome to Fable Features! Ignore Quill—he’s very needy today.
What are your thoughts on magic?
Do I believe in magic? Ha! The mere fact that I am talking to you right now is because of a magic pen! You see, I used to be a normal, everyday alpaca. The mascot of the middle school who lived a simple existence behind the school building inside his alpaca enclosure. Then one day this middle school boy named Scott obtained a magic pen that makes everything he drew become real. He drew himself and his friends as superheroes called the Alpaca Defense Squad and ZAP! Due to the magic pen, they actually became real superheroes, with rather ridiculous costumes, code names, and powers.
And as you might guess, their purpose as superheroes was to protect yours truly. You see, in Scott’s superhero scenario, I was a rather special alpaca. Not only can I talk—as you are doubtless noticing—but I have magic wool! That’s right, my wool has magical properties. He who controls my wool can control the world! Naturally, Scott and his friends want to keep me away from villains who would use my wool for nefarious purposes.
Wow, what a cool power! You certainly are a special alpaca.
What would you say is your best physical feature?
I already mentioned my best physical feature, my dear Patricia. It is my splendid wool. Look upon it. I am certain the moment you beheld me, you were dazzled by its magnificence. Truly, the Golden Fleece sought by Jason and his Argonauts was not as spectacular as this. I am rather proud of it. I also think I possess lovely eyes.
Your wool is quite spectacular.
[Patricia swats the floating golden quill away.]
Stop bumping into me, Quill. Are you getting jealous?
[Patricia returns her attention to Bruce.]
In emergency situations, how do you react?
I am an alpaca, and we are known for our level-headed, calm, and decisive behavior when we find ourselves in emergency situations. If you ask Scott and his friends, they will doubtless tell you falsehoods. That in an emergency I am wont to panic and hide behind them. This is simply untrue and a besmirching of my noble character.
Oh certainly. If anything, perhaps they are the ones who panic and hide.
[Patricia chuckles.]
I’d love to hear more about one of these emergency situations. Especially since Scott and his friends became superheroes to protect you. Was there a particularly scary situation?
Oh, indeed there were! The Alpaca Defense Squad mean well, but they are but middle school children and still learning their superhero skills. I have not once, but twice been kidnapped and held prisoner by the sinister Stinky Sock and his sock minions. Luckily, it isn’t too scary for me, since the Stinky Sock needs to treat me well because he needs my magic wool to build his invincible sock-army. Pretty much any food or drink and pillows and a television on which to watch game shows and I am content, regardless of whose company I am in.
Well I’m glad it’s not too terrible of an ordeal for you!
What’s the strangest way you met one of your friends?
Hmmm. Can I call the Alpaca Defense Squad my friends? That is akin to a Lord of the Manor referring to his butler or his footman as a “friend”. But I suppose they are the closest things I have to friends. The life of an alpaca with magic wool is a lonely one, as you might imagine. But the way I met them was rather strange. One day, they were just four of a great multitude of children who would visit my alpaca enclosure to pet me and feed me straw. Then Scott used his magic pen, and they became my loyal protectors.
That sounds like a strange encounter indeed. But I’m glad it turned out that they wanted to become your loyal protectors!
Speaking of protecting, do you have any enemies right now?
Certainly, one with as magnificent wool as myself will have enemies. It inspires jealousy, you see. But one enemy stands out among all others: the dreaded Stinky Sock! When Scott used the magic pen to draw himself and his friends as superheroes, he also drew the Stinky Sock. Scott has a rather overactive imagination, and he imagined the Stinky Sock wanting to kidnap me, steal my magic wool, and use it to weave an army of invincible sock-soldiers! And believe me, the Stinky Sock is a dreadful fellow even without an army of sock-soldiers. He fires blasts of foul stench the likes of which you cannot imagine. The Alpaca Defense Squad have their hands full protecting me against that malodorous maker of mayhem!
[Patricia’s eyes widen and she leans forward. Quill leans forward as well.]
You mentioned the Stinky Sock earlier, too. He sounds scary! Have you ever gotten hit by its stench blast?
I have and it was more awful than you can possibly imagine. Like being inside a sleeping bag made of spoiled cheese. Thankfully, the Stinky Sock realized he shouldn’t do anything to compromise my wool and halted his stench blast. And really, if the Alpaca Defense Squad were even remotely competent, I never would have been hit with the stench blast in the first place. Good help is so hard to find, don’t you know?
That is true. Hopefully the Alpaca Defense Squad learn how to use their new powers quickly. We don’t want you getting kidnapped a third time!
Our next question is an interesting one: What’s invisible but you wish people could see?
You may find it hard to believe, but there are those who are not aware of me and my spectacular wool. Would that they knew, for my beauty would enrich their pale and squalid lives!
[Patricia nods.]
That is quite a shame they can’t see your magnificent beauty.
What was the situation where you laughed the hardest you ever have?
I do not laugh hard at anything. That would be undignified for an alpaca such as myself. I suppose on occasion you may hear me chuckle, or perhaps guffaw. Usually at the histrionics of the Alpaca Defense Squad—they really are an excitable group of young people—or at the wit of my favorite game show hosts. You see, when I am not brushing my wool, singing opera, or eating fine foods, I enjoy watching game shows. Especially The Price is Right.
That makes sense! It wouldn’t be befitting of such a noble creature as yourself to laugh hard at something. And that’s interesting to learn you like to sing opera! Do you have a favorite piece to sing?
Memorizing opera seems like an awful lot of work and practice. No, I make up my own lyrics, which are far superior to the original lyrics. I simply sing the names of random types of pasta.
[Bruce starts singing, badly.] Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghetiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii . . . riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigatooooooooooooooooooniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii . . . raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavioooooooooooooooooooooooliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii . . .
[Patricia claps and attempts not to wince at the especially high notes.]
You are quite a talented alpaca! And a creative one, too. I would have never thought to replace lyrics with types of pasta.
[The golden quill taps her cheek and Patricia nods.]
Yes, yes, I know. It looks like we are running out of time, but I think we can still squeeze in one last question.
If you had to tell someone one piece of advice, what would that be?
Do not succumb to jealousy, for it only poisons your own spirit. When you encounter me, simply shower me with adulation and count yourself lucky for having gazed upon me.
Mm, great advice.
[Patricia swats Quill away, smiles graciously, and stands.]
Thank you again for coming out today! It was a pleasure getting to know you, Bruce.
The pleasure was all yours, Patricia. And you should do something about that pesky Quill. I certainly wouldn’t want that thing buzzing about my person all day.
[Patricia laughs.]
Oh, I shall.
End of interview.
Want to Read More?
Bruce’s author, Jason R. Lady, can be found on Facebook, Instagram, and his website, www.jasonrlady.com. His book Super Problems can be purchased here.
author Jason R. Lady
See Ya Next Time
Aaand that's all the time we have today. Thank you, readers, for coming. And thank you, Bruce, for letting us get to know you! See y'all next time.
If you would like to submit a character to be interviewed for a future issue of Fable Features, please send an email to linnaekconkel@gmail.com with the subject line: Fable Features.
Please note that erotica and content with excessive vulgar language will not be accepted.
If you have questions you'd like Patricia Parrington to ask in a future interview, please submit them to linnaekconkel@gmail.com with the subject line: Interview Questions.
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