Snap Zasperate

September Character Interview

Patricia Parrington ~ September 15, 2025

Hello my lovely readers and fellow book-lovers! For those of you who are new here, I, your fabulous host Patricia Parrington, have the pleasure of interviewing characters from books all over the world.

Today we have here with us Snap Zasperate from the young adult/adult absurdist comedy fantasy book The Incredible Man of Gold by L. E. Simmons. Once Simmons has an idea, he has to get it out! And since using a drill to his skull seemed a bit extreme, he decided to write instead.rical fiction. She has a passion for early modern history (c. 1500–1700).

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Meet Snap

Welcome to Fable Features! I’m excited to get to know you.

[Patricia and her guest—a four-armed girl with long pink hair and reptilian forearms—settle onto a pair of orange suede couches.]

What’s the story behind your name? Does it have a special meaning?

Thanks, Patty! Can I call you Patty? As in “Peppermint Patty”? Mmm, speaking of which, you got anything to eat in here? Oops, sorry, uh, where was I? Name, name oh yeah. The name’s Snap Zasperate! Hero of Pareidolia City! Idol o’ millions! Especially one screwy squirrel-girl!

[Out of a potted plant a little reddish-brown squirrel girl pops out, the plant on her head.]

Hey! That’s MEEEE!

[Patricia laughs and gives the squirrel girl a wave then turns back to Snap.]

Well it’s lovely to meet both of you! And I absolutely do not mind being called Patty. I had a childhood friend who used to call me that, actually.

Both of you?

[Snap looks up. She genuinely was not paying attention.]

[Patricia gestures at the pot, but the squirrel girl is gone.]

Hmm, odd. There was someone in there a moment ago. Anyhoo, I’d love to hear more about this hero thing you mentioned. How’d you become the hero of Pareidolia City?

Oh, that's simple! I come from a long line of superheroes! My Mom and Dad, Acinony and Zeke, were kid adventurers, while my grandpa is none other than—BUM BADDA BUM!—Doc Lawful, the Incredible Man of Gold! Huzzah! Yes, we have a title!

Wow, that’s so cool! It must’ve been fun growing up in a superhero family. When you were a child, what was your favorite game to play?

I like games! They make me mad when I lose and then I can overturn the table and spill all the pieces and then everyone chases me! Then it’s not so fun anymore but before that! We have a good time! My favorite game involves traveling to a Martian marine base shooting demons with a shotgun.

Oh how fun! Sounds like you get to play lots of games—and with friends too.

Speaking of friends, how do they describe you?

They can describe me any way they want, just not late for dinner!

[Patricia chuckles.]

Ha, oh wait no that’s not how that joke works. But it works? Right? RIGHT?! I didn’t do it wrong, did I?! Oh schnicklefritz! I try to be funny, I TRY to be insightful, but I only end up being inciteful. Heh, see what I did there, a play on words?

[Patricia nods and gives Snap a reassuring smile.]

I thought that was a very funny joke.

Oh God, I’m so nervous. Mind if I smoke?

[Patricia frowns, confused.]

Aren’t you too young to smoke?

[Her eyes widen as smoke rises from Snap’s ears.]

Oh! That’s what you meant. Very unique!

[Snap twiddles her fingers nervously.]

Well don’t worry about answering correctly or anything like that! Think of this as just a chat with a friend.

[Patricia gives her another reassuring smile.]

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?

The hardest thing I’ve ever done was walk away from the all-you-can-eat buffet because I had eaten it all! Ha!

[Snap’s stomach gurgles as her grin grows more . . . worrisome.]

That’s an incredible feat! You mentioned being hungry earlier as well. Are you always hungry? Do you need to eat a lot very often?

[She bounces up and down.]

Oh boy howdy in a birchbark canoe, am I ever! It's my favorite thing! My parents swear I'm gonna eat them out of house and home! No, literally I did eat a house once. Kinda splintery. But yeah, they generally get me triceratops steaks by the truckload! Gads, whoever would have guessed cloning dinosaurs would be feasible beyond bad science fiction sequels!

That’s a lot of food. It’s a good thing they did figure out that dinosaur cloning! Otherwise your parents might be scrambling to get you enough food.

If you had to throw a non-lethal object at someone, what would you throw?

Heh, sorry, that’s kinda out of the question. With these hands.

[She holds up her giant scaly paws, each the size of a sledgehammer.]

EVERYTHING turns into a lethal object! I am a lethal object!

That’s a fair point! It would be hard to throw something delicately with the strength of those arms. Let’s say you didn’t have large, strong arms. What would you throw then? Nonlethally.

Oh! Okay then! A Studebaker!

[Patricia cocks her head.]

As in the car?

Yep! Like the one Fozzie Bear drives! Wakka wakka! It’s, bar none, the funniest looking thing ever. Just saying the name makes me giggle! Yeah. I’d throw a Studebaker. Rule of comedy renders everything harmless.

[Patricia nods slowly and tugs on a lock of her green hair.]

You know, you have a point. As long as it plays within the bounds of the power of comedy, something like that could be rendered harmless. As long as it’s within the right story of course!

Our next question’s a fun one: What place would you like to visit someday?

Glasgow, Scotland! Birthplace of Angus Young.

[Patricia’s brows pinch together as she thinks.]

Isn’t that the cofounder of AC/DC? Are you a fan?

What the heck does the Currency Wars of Edison and Westinghouse have to do with this? Stop changing the subject, you’re confusing me!

My bad! I always get my worlds jumbled up. What an interesting coincidence that you have an Angus Young as well!

[Patricia glances at her notes.]

Let’s see, how many more questions do we have time for?

I hope you have a bajillion ’cause I am loving every minute of this!

Oh good! I’m so glad.

Alright, here’s your next question: Do you believe in the afterlife?

Oh sure! I also believe in aftershave! I like my boy toys smelling fresh! Except Lt. Move, he always smells like my grandma’s house.

[Patricia scratches her head.]

Well, that’s nice. But I meant the afterlife—as in life after death?

[A far-off, distant look is in Snap's eyes as she considers the ramifications of this. There’s a little twitch in her eyelid, her lips curling then falling, then suddenly she shakes her head and is smiling again.]

Like I said, I love to eat! A lot! Like I could eat all the fish in the sea!

[Her voice trails off, and she looks like she's SEEN THINGS, things that defy convention.]

Ah. Patricia's such a nice name!

Um, thank you?

[Patricia scratches her head in confusion then shrugs.]

Here’s our next question: How would you react if your greatest wish was suddenly granted?

[Patricia chuckles.]

Actually, let me take a wild guess—that everything in the world be made edible.

Oh piffle! Don’t think so small. Everything already IS edible!

[Snap proceeds to pick up the coffee table and munch on it like an oversized wafer cookie.]

[Patricia’s green eyes widen.]

Oh . . . wow. That was a whole table. Remind me to hire you if I need something eaten. But um, maybe refrain from eating the furniture?

[She laughs nervously as Snap eyes the chair she’s sitting in.]

So if not food, then what would your greatest wish be?

Well, if it's okay to indulge the kinky in me, I want to get my own man-harem! Or “marem” as I like to call it, heh heh, aaaah. I already have a sizeable group of eligible bachelors to draw upon! There's my main squeeze, Samson Knight Luggage, he's this adorable minotaur who LOVES to beach bum with his metal detector. Then there's Lt. Dick Move of the PCPD, he pretends to hate my guts and calls me a “menace” but he secretly loves me because I'm such a great superhero! And there's Carcharodon O'Gill, you might remember him from such movies as Once Upon a Time in Sharktown and Jurassic Jaws: The Crossover Nobody Asked For! He's such a romantic! Or maybe Manny Vasquez, my aunt set me up with him. Says we're “partners” and everything! Although she may have meant in the sense we're both secret agents. Not sure, nobody explains anything to me!

Well that’s certainly an interesting wish!

[Patricia smiles at her guest.]

It was lovely meeting you, Snap. Good luck with all your future hero endeavors!

End of interview.

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Want to Read More?

Snap’s author, L. E. Simmons, can be found on X/Twitter. The Incredible Man of Gold can be bought here.

Artist tags:

Cover by Detoreik on Deviantart

Snap Saves the Puppies by Hibren on Deviantart

Family Photo by Lufidelis on Deviantart

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See Ya Next Time

Aaand that's all the time we have today. Thank you, readers, for coming. And thank you, Snap, for letting us get to know you! See y'all next time.

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If you would like to submit a character to be interviewed for a future issue of Fable Features, please send an email to linnae.writer@gmail.com with the subject line: Fable Features.

Please note that erotica and content with excessive vulgar language will not be accepted.

If you have questions you'd like Patricia Parrington to ask in a future interview, please submit them to linnae.writer@gmail.com with the subject line: Interview Questions.